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A Sixgun For Santa

‘Twas some weeks before Christmas
And I’d just settled down
When I heard a strange noise
And arose with a frown

I looked out from my window
And what did I see
But a portly old man
Gazing right back at me

He had a white beard
And was dressed in red felt
A .44 N-frame
Hung from his belt

He said “Howdy there partner,
Can you give me a hand?
Old Buck here went lame
And I had to land.”

So I looked a bit closer
And saw reins trailing back
That led to a stallion
All sweaty and black

The old man had noticed
My quizzical look
So he said to me
“This ain’t quite by the book.

“You see, none of them reindeer
are comfy to straddle.
They’re too low to the ground
And won’t take a saddle

When I’m travelin’ light
And I don’t want my sleigh
Then it’s just me and Buck
It works better that way.”

So I came on downstairs
To give him assistance
Then both of us heard
Some shouts in the distance

“Come back here you thief!”
The voice seemed to say
It seemed to get louder
Then faded away

“He’s as drunk as a skunk!”
The old man then said
“As dense as they come
And out of his head”

But then the old man
Just chuckled and grinned
And said “He knows just enough
To know he’s been skinned!”

Again I was puzzled
And my look told him so
So he said “Here’s the story-
It starts not long ago”

“His name’s Wes Dakota
and he’s ugly as sin
unkempt and all dirty
and reeking of gin”

“When I wasn’t lookin’
He hit on the missus
Trying to hug her
And give her wet kisses

“He went in the workshop
And riled up the elves
Busting up toys
And knocking down shelves

“Stampeded the reindeer
and drank all my liquor
Shot up my ammo
And now here’s the kicker

“He got hold of the list
Of who’s good and who’s bad
And darned if it wasn’t the
Only one that I had

“So I don’t really know
who’s been naughty or nice
This year it’ll just be
a roll of the dice.”

I could tell it upset him
This tale of his trouble
If this guy wasn’t Santa
It must be his double

So I asked him then
“Is he chasin’ you?
And if’n he is,
Just what did you do?”

“Well”, he replied
I just evened the score
I got him but good
Then I got him some more

“See, this drunk had a Colt-
a hog-leg supreme
Full-coverage engraving
And ivories that gleam

“Longhorn steer carving
with rubies for eyes
Fully tooled rig
Stuffed with .45’s

“I traded him for it,
God bless his soul
Gave him two packs of smokes
And a big lump of coal

“He can handle his liquor,
or so he does boast
But when it comes to gun-tradin’
He’s as dumb as a post

The old man checked his watch
Said he was runnin’ behind
He swung onto Buck’s back
And the horse didn’t mind

The lameness was gone
He was ready to go
As he reined Buck around
It had started to snow

I expressed my concern
‘bout this drunken gent
“What if he comes ‘round
and asks where ya’ went?”

“Don’t you worry none”,
The old man said to me
“Wes was so drunk
that he couldn’t see”

“He’s half in the bag
three sheets to the wind
‘Sides I used an alias!”
The old man just grinned

“He’s crossed up with so many others
you see,
He won’t really know
That the culprit was me!”

He put spurs to his mount
And as he rode away laughin’
I could swear that I heard him say
“Wes thinks I’m Taffin!”